Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Randomize
