My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
