i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
This house was built for laser tag.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
