so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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