I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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