I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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