shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize