I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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