just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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