my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Randomize
