I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
