o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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