I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
