I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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