I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
