I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
