you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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