its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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