My hand turned me down
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
