her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
