I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
