you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize