You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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