Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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