I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
