shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
