Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize