this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
