Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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