College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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