If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
