I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So vagazzling was a success
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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