I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
