So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
