The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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