i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
