i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
