nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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