don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
