Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
