the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
