Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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