It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
