The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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