I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
