I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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