He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
