eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
