Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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