i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
