Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
