Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
