Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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