I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
