Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
