Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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