just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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