I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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