I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
