Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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