I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
