I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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