I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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