You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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