My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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